I Stood In My Way Until...

I asked my heart to wait patiently in the corner...
and she defied me

Her intention was good, but I needed to settle some things in my mind
without her influence

She wanted to plead her case for my benefit...
(I knew better)
but circumstance was larger than both of us

The weight I was carrying was far too heavy for her
and I took that into consideration...
considering the damage that could have been done if she did not go back into her corner

She didn't realize I was fighting for both of us
and she grew weary...
tired of being made to wait in silence
while thought took precedence

I hear her even when I pretend not to

The Masks of Perception...

can create a false reality if you master the alignment of perception and intent.

Well put together...
outwardly
The thought put into her appearance preceded her action
Her presence spoke eloquently before she opened her mouth...
all eyes in the room were reading her...
perceiving her...
as everything but the mess she actually was

Articulate...
his arrangement of words were mesmerizing
The simplicity he spoke of was pretending to be complex...
he made it so
Entangling bloated description with uncommonly used words...
and exaggerated gestures...
All ears in the room were respectively attentive...
perceiving him...
as everything but the insecure man he actually was

Charming...
her ways were naturally inviting
She smiled and the eyes of others lit the room
With care, she spread her attention equally among friends and strangers...
individualizing the warmth she gave...
as she had taken note of each person in a glance
All hearts became magnetic and drawn to her core...
perceiving her...
as everything but the shy girl she actually was

The masks of perception can create a false reality if you do not master the alignment of perception and intent.

Well put together...
outwardly
But the thought put into her appearance was overshadowed by her insecurity
Her eyes trembled as she walked awkwardly across the floor
All eyes in the room were reading her...
perceiving her...
as the mess she actually was

Articulate...
his arrangement of words were mesmerizing...
only because listeners were trying to decipher what was being said
He made it so
Entangling bloated description with uncommonly used words...
and exaggerated gestures
All ears in the room were engaged in inner thought...
wondering if his words were being used as a shield...
perceiving him...
as the insecure man he actually was

Charming...
her ways were naturally inviting...
although her eyes never engaged beyond the surface
With care, she spread her attention equally among friends and strangers...
moving fast and never having to actually reveal her feeling
All hearts became magnetic and drawn to her core...
empathizing with her inability to just be...
perceiving her...
as the shy girl she actually was

Indulge! Happy Fat Tuesday!

Distracted by...

the beautiful things that command my attention over beauty less obvious.

Layering...

I get so caught up in one of many layers, that when I finally move on and take it in as a whole, it's confusing.

It's no longer what I desired because there is more than the beauty I was distracted by.

I'm so focused on what I find most appealing that I put all other senses on pause...in the moment.

I am in love with the sound of your voice on the phone, which may be less obvious face to face because I'm distracted by your eyes, gestures and touch.

I am infatuated with the arrangement of music, that hard hitting bass line...so much so that I barely noticed the lyrics.

When I finally saw past the gestures and the sound of your voice, I heard your thoughts. Your narcissistic, shallow thoughts.

When I zoned out, the bass line became dull and I heard the lyrics. The raunchy arrangement of words that spit on the significance of the music.

Ignorance is interchangeable with distraction...
and it can be bliss.

I got beside myself...I almost forgot my own layers. The less than beautiful layers that are not far from the surface.

I came back...focused.

I heard the beauty in your voice, noticed the charm dancing through your gestures and came to understand you are proud of who you are.

I listened again and felt the expression in the beats, I moved with the bass line and understood that the artist has the same freedom of expression as I.

Daily Ingestion and Digestion...

We take in so much, everyday!

Mentally ingesting...
What we see, hear, feel...even unconsciously...
but how do we rid ourselves of the waste?

On top of this, what if you are one of many (such as myself) conditioned to ingest, but never really digest...
don't cry...
pick yourself up by the bootstraps...
suck it up...
there are no problems, only solutions

Ok...sounds good. And in many cases, these mantras have gotten me through tough times.

On the other hand...
I learned to build walls. Tricky walls. Walls that did not protect me from the incoming, but blocked any visible emotion.

I gave the perception of being numb, but I felt...
emotion stacking on top of emotion; trickling over emotion...
tears that never surfaced.

I was full, but didn't know how to rid myself of all that mental waste.

Anger. All of that pent-up emotion manifested itself through anger.

Slightly helpful, in that I released some kind of feeling, but I never dealt with the core issues rotting in my soul.

Then, I thought writing would be another healthy release. I could be candid without judgement, or exposure. Yes...this was true until my privacy was invaded.

Now what...
back to anger.

I even tried to release emotion through yoga, belly dance, Starbucks...

And then finally, I felt...out loud.

I began digesting AND ridding myself of waste...
process of thought...
tears...
vocal honesty...
writing...
laughter...

Interesting that we have to figure this out on our own.

I mean, we eat...literally...and our bodies do the rest.

We ingest, mentally, and then...

I Tucked Consequence Away In My Pocket...

and waited.

Time passed and consequence was forgotten.

More time passed and I was looking for change.

I stuck my hand deep, into that same pocket...

and I found the change I was looking for...

nestled with the consequence I had tucked away.

I had to do something.

I held my change in one hand...

and sorted through each piece to make sense of it.

I then took my consequence outside...

found an empty space in my yard

and buried it.

The next day I woke with new intention...

I went out to my yard and I planned to dig up my consequence...

but I was too late.

The patch of green had already become a wilted brown...

and my yard became tainted beyond the small action I took.

The Grass Is Greener...

at least in patches.

I guess it comes down to which patches of green are essential to each individual. Some lawns are vain, some are lush with creativity and some have green that is visibly fading because the caretaker was not taking care of home.

I have an array of green, but I tend to pour my heart into vibrant patches, rather than weeding where necessary and reviving my less than green areas (I'm working on it).

Ahhh...but where I lack in green, another may be as emerald as the Wizard's dwellings (LOL, yes I went there...dork).

I'm intrigued...initially.

In time their green seems to fade, the difference becomes too familiar.

Then the tendency to peek into another yard...even by accident, or curiousity...

the cycle continues UNTIL a decision is made -

Which patches of green are essential to the individual? Core patches? Exterior patches?

Yes, the grass may be greener, in patches, so be sure to take inventory of the whole yard!

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave...

Or do we?

Can we really be held accountable for uncontrollable thoughts, feelings and emotions? What I have come to believe is that I can only hold myself responsible for the actions that I choose to, or not to, take.

Far too many times I have been riddled with the guilt of my thoughts, but why? I am human...we are human...and what greater gift do we possess than thought? I cannot stress enough that it is the actions we take, or not.

An amazing person once had a discussion with me about possibility and chance; evolving into the possibility of chance. Simply amazing, but there would be no way to place ourselves at the starting point of possibility, without the simple step of thought.

Decisions, decisions...

My webs of thought vary and allow me to be honest with myself. My actions do not always allow that same luxury. Thoughts can remain private, while actions speak in volumes; forcing us into responsibility.

I am accountable for what I say and do, but my thoughts are merely webs within...and I'm tangled.

Love Brand New

Older Love feels good because it can be settled, comforting and familiar. Although these are important factors, there is still something missing. The feeling of Love, Brand New.

When Love is new, there is no compromise...it just is. You just love and it simply feels good. When does Love take a turn? When does it transition from brand new, into settled? How can you get brand new back, without changing Lovers?

Girlfriends & Sista-friends

Tonight I was flipping the through the mental chapters of my life and paused to relive the best of times with my girls! The relationships, sex talks, laughter and tears...nothing can compare. Our secrets and unspoken promises...the rules we all broke at some point and the regret that we could not undo what we had done. Through the removing of knives from each others backs - to having each others backs. Damn, I love my girls.