After the Tears

Solamente

2011-11-25T21:10:00.001-08:00

There is no substitution
for your touch
nothing
can simulate your kiss
eyes closed
looking for remnants of
slight accuracy
but only you
will suffice

No hay sustitución
para su contacto
nada
puede simular tu beso
los ojos cerrados
en busca de restos de
exactitud ligera
pero sólo ti
que será suficiente

It Feels...

2011-10-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

amazing
in this shared
light
I shine
as you shine
warm
and
wonderful
illuminating
love
and
pure joy
infectious
harmony
and
it feels
beautifully
radiant
as
we radiate
lovingly
attuned to
the natural
state of
spirit

Sit with Yourself...

2011-10-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

…not necessarily in standard meditation, but it’s something to try.

We pick up a lot of things on the road of life. And even when we think we’ve left something behind, it usual resonates deep within us, adding weight that we choose not to pinpoint - but why? Surely this journey can be a bit lighter. Let’s acknowledge the weight, and then set it free.

Start by sitting still, or lying still – all that matters is that you are still, and free from distraction. Yes, including your cell phone – turn the ringer off!

Now focus your attention inward, allowing your thoughts to come zooming back from the Universe, and center in your heart. Let the essence of who you are shine, and feel the glow within your belly. Any part of yourself you gave to another person, or to the world – call it back to you. Your love, compassion, hurt, anger, joy, intimacy…all of it…welcome it all back home. Sit with those feelings, knowing you’re present and in your body…all of you.

Now, notice what thoughts and/or feelings arise. Listen carefully and allow yourself to feel it all, but as a third party. Look at your thoughts, and listen to your thoughts as an observer. If these were the thoughts and feelings of another person, how would you view them? Any differently than you would if you were emotionally tied to the thoughts and feelings? Probably, and you will most likely be able to be more rational with yourself, finding resolution to things that may have been left undone.

While you are here, noticing/observing yourself – take note of who you are. How have you been affected? What situations affect you? What makes you smile, cry, or scream? What makes you feel strong, or weak? Without the influence of other people’s opinions, or worldviews, what are your true desires? What does your heart sound like? Are there parts you would like to work on? Are there parts you can now proudly accept? Address your fears, doubts, and regrets head on – here is where you revoke their power. Now can you sit here and forgive yourself…love yourself?

Sit here and breathe in who you are. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are divine. You are love.

Namaste.

Contracts...

2011-10-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Relationships, like all situations in life, offer opportunities to learn and grow. Sometimes the lessons are wrapped in petals, and other times the lessons seem to be all thorns. Either way, the most important element is choice - our choice to bloom, or wilt.

Recently I was told that we are entitled to walk away from relationships, guilt free, if we recognize the lessons within them. The choice is ours – it is our contract, and we say when it has been fulfilled. On the other hand, it may be the other person who wants to end the contract. Let them. Regardless of which side it has ended on…if it has ended, it has ended. See the lessons, and be thankful for whatever you learned. You have grown.

Love will undoubtedly linger, as it should – it doesn’t die, or adhere to direction.

Stay or go; we should act in love, always.

If what is being thrown at us isn’t loving, or we are not acting in love – back up. Be honest in your evaluation of the situation. Does your contract need to be altered, or has it reached its end? Were the lessons for you, or them – or both? We know in our hearts when a situation isn’t “good” for us. We know when we’re being unkind, simply because we have outgrown the situation. We know when it’s over.

Sometimes ‘goodbye’ is the loving thing to say.

Ego-Stroke

2011-09-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Instead of stroking the ego, shouldn’t we smack it?

When we ego-stroke, the actions are usually of no benefit to anyone but self, and usually at the expense of reality. Is this really what needs to be done in order to develop confidence? Do we not know self worth without expansion of ego?

I believe the opposite to be true. Without need of egotism to maintain self-assurance, I believe we then have the potential to radiate beautifully. Then, and only then, can we shine and admire the shine of others. There is no need to diminish the light of another for yours to be seen. And if you disagree, well – I think you need to check your ego.

Ego lies and paints exquisitely over truth. The paint eventually cracks though, exposing the lies ego tried to disguise as reality. Why bother? Can you really feel good by creating false perceptions? Regardless of the portrait you present, you know how ‘ugly’ the picture is even if others do not. And this truth will rot in your core until you smack ego and become honest. Be true to you.

Yes, ego is a troublemaker. Aside from creating false realities, ego has a way of making us act with ill intent. You know what I’m talking about. Think of how many times ego urged you to say hateful things to intentionally hurt another. How many times has ego encouraged you to act in spite, or to use manipulation to make you seem to have the upper hand? Trust me…that kind of ball will certainly deflate in your court.

Test yourself. Think before you act. Think before you react. What is your intention? Is it good, or just a maneuver to save face, or boost your ego? Is the action or reaction honest? Is it really what you want to say, or do? Consider yourself, while still considering others. We are connected.

Heart-Stroke. Ego-Smack. It will make you a better person.

When the Lights Went Out

2011-09-09T16:43:00.000-07:00

San Diego paused yesterday. The whole county lost power from around 3:45 pm, to 10:50 pm. Yes, we were without electricity for seven hours, and it was over 90 degrees. Initially, some people worried, not only because of the length of time, but because the power outage was so widespread. Grocery stores and restaurants closed, you couldn’t utilize ATM machines, some people were stuck in elevators, traffic was a cluster of hot and irritable motorist, and others were running out of gas – left and right.

As chaotic as it was for some, others, like myself, enjoyed the forced action of socializing. People were outside talking to neighbors, and kids were actually playing outdoors.

For many, dinner became an issue. We had to be creative. I had chicken, but couldn’t use the stove. My friend had a grill, but didn’t have any food. Solution: my friend brought over the grill and we ate barbeque chicken. It’s was great! My neighbors even came out with their own food for the grill, and everyone offered to share what they had – food, drinks, candles, etc. Even more, the darkness of the city exposed beautiful stars. It was a beautiful night, filled with love and laughter.

Interesting how communal the city became when the lights went out. It could have been such an inconvenience, and for some I’m sure it was, but for many it was a much needed dose of community!

Healing Self...

2011-09-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

If you believe, as I do, that we are made of energy, surrounded by energy, and all things are energetic – it is then feasible that we can utilize energy to heal ourselves; body, mind, and spirit.

In my quest to heal myself, I became a certified Reiki Practitioner (RP), and incorporated daily meditation into my life. Not only have I noticed change and growth within myself, I have also become more aware of all that surrounds me. Even more, I’ve become conscious of the energy I put out into the universe, and the energy that invades my space. We affect everything, and with that comes great responsibility.

One of the most significant challenges I’ve been faced with is recognizing and attempting to let go of my ego. Ego seems to be in constant conflict with the heart, with truth, and with the higher self. With this, I have found it essential to think about the ‘why’ and reasoning behind my actions; to be honest about the consequences of my actions; and ultimately act in kindness, always. This practice has helped me check my ego on several occasions.

Another tool I’ve used in my healing practice is to recite the mantra, ‘Just for today…’ which is the first line of the Reiki Principals (…I will not be angry. I will not worry. I will be grateful. I will do my work honestly. I will be kind to myself, and all living things.). That phrase alone has helped me to be present. It can be challenging not to think about tomorrow, to let go of yesterday, or to maintain balance of emotions. Being present helps create awareness and helps reduce unnecessary stressors that we place on ourselves.

Then of course, there is importance in balancing oneself: balance of mind, body, and spirit. As I mentioned above, I practice Reiki and meditation, daily, in order to heal. This includes balancing flow of energy, opening and aligning chakras, elongating moments of inner-peace, and grounding.

Healing yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Take time everyday to connect with body, mind, and spirit. Find harmony in balance.

Namaste!

Manifest?

2011-08-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

If actualizing our manifestations were as simple as focused intent, I would have already won the lottery jackpot. If creating our reality was as easy as visualizing it, I would have traveled the world by now, only to return to my dream home, here in California.

My determination, coupled with my need to believe that I can manifest my own destiny, will not allow me to stop intending and visualizing, no matter the gruesome waiting period.
I’ve come to the realization that there must be a missing link. There must be a piece to the laws of attraction puzzle that I need to locate. My other concern is that perhaps all things will happen in their own time, not ours. But is there a way we can compromise on timing…as in meeting half way, meaning RIGHT NOW.

My impatience, while being forced to wait, reminds me that I need to check my ego. If I won the lottery ten years ago, I may have made some poor financial decisions; where as if I won today, I’d use better judgment – now having a clearer picture of what I want in life. I am forced to make the picture clearer as I wait, because I have no other choice but to plan until the jackpot check has my name on it.

Ahhhh – could this be the missing piece? Does the picture need to be crystal-clear for actualization? Do we need to make baby-manifesting-steps that lead to the bigger-picture of the manifestation? Perhaps.

Through patience comes clarity, and through clarity comes better decision making. Once our minds are clear, would we even want the same things? Is it possible that what we think we want is not the truth of our subconscious mind? Are we blocking ourselves?

Community

2011-08-09T11:41:00.001-07:00

It’s amazing to me that we still create separation in regards to whose problem “it” is. Our planet. Our problem.

You can’t turn on the television, or log on the computer without news of destruction and dismay occurring, worldwide. And while there are many concerned about the welfare of others, there are also many that are not concerned with the world at large. Too many are only concerned with what they believe to affect their immediate lives. Well, again – our planet, our problem.

The turmoil may start in one concentrated area, but the impact is always greater than the starting point. Whether we are affected financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc – the root cause does not always stem from our own backyard, so to speak.

On the flip side, the solution(s) will have greater impact if efforts are communal. The saying “It takes a village” comes to mind. It does, and the scope is greater than we seem to realize. Our village is global.

We have to wake up.

Today's Meditation

2011-08-08T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today I was consumed with noise, only until I recognized the silence surrounding me.

My mind was racing with thoughts of tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute…the chaos happening in London, to the news occurring here in the United States. Then the noise became louder as I realized how consumed I was. I began to scream, internally, but quickly caught myself. I paused…looked around, and noticed the stillness in-between movements. I heard the silence in-between sound. In that very moment, I began meditation. It was beautiful, and the first time I was provoked to meditate without premeditation.

Take time to acknowledge moments of stillness. Create moments of stillness.

Namaste.

Spilled Milk

2010-06-16T01:31:00.000-07:00

Spilled Milk

I Held My Hand Out...

2010-03-29T01:36:00.000-07:00

to you
until it was numb
knowing you’d never come
to the senses
I chose…
so far from your own
It’s just memories
that blurred the present
and reminded me of all
that was beautiful
while my fingertips lingered
in empty air
wishing for some sign
of your presence

The Ritual...

2010-03-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

began with the eyes
penetrating beauty
that spoke
like soft, sweeping winds
and embraced me strong…
kept me longing for
the next action…
the next motion…
the next breath…
immersed with intention
in intense silence
as love hovered
above, below and around us

I cry for you...

2010-02-06T13:44:00.000-08:00

and I don’t even know you
Can’t recall your voice
and have no memory of
your face
I am suddenly and
unwillingly
aware of your absence
Did you say goodbye?
Why did you choose to go?
Who were you…
before it all fell apart?
I have far too many questions
to count
and wouldn’t know what to do
with the answers
if
they were ever given
I don’t want to create an image
based on other’s perceptions…
I don’t want edited versions of the truth
sown empathetically as whole
and
I don’t want a picture painted
with contrived shades of you…
They do not know which colors
would have captured
who you should have been
to me
So I cry for you…
for the memories that have
escaped me
and those that
never reached us

My Arms Stretched Out...

2010-01-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

like an infant
as my fingertips
painted thoughts
across the sky
and the earth
formed herself
perfectly around
my toes
leaving stains of herself
on the balls of my feet…
I left my mark in her
while her tears
cascaded like dew
beneath me…
She understood
and encouraged me
to continue with
my thoughts…
my feelings…
my fingertips
now dancing
boldly
in odd strokes
of white
against the
blushing blue
canvas
my laughter
and sadness
combined
because there was room
for it all

"Nine"

2010-01-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

Bearing water, Aquarius reigned alone
and the earth was still...
no day, or night
She poured recklessly
hoping her love would fall upon an understanding heart
and that her passion would be felt and reciprocated
One by one, she counted each drop
calculating how much of herself was being sacrificed
in search of Love

Analyzing each tear that mirrored her loneliness,
Virga caught each drop to prevent exposure...
not realizing she was also collecting the rain of Aquarius
As her hands filled with moisture, she drank...
ingesting her love unknowingly
Day after day, she grew stronger and her tears began to dry
but her hands continued to fill
To make sense of it all, Virga emerged through the clouds
and went straight to the source

No words were spoken as their energy caused a beautiful collision
Recognizing the strength of Aquarius
Virga knew she had to present herself with a touch of masculinity
and in that moment she transformed herself into Virgo
two hours, eleven minutes and two seconds
their signs became symbolic of the sun
and as love embodied them, Aquarius became Pisces and Virgo became Aquarius
birthing the moon and welcoming night
Yesterday became today and today will become tomorrow

One Piece Too Far...

2010-01-04T20:25:00.000-08:00

from whole
while past conversations
echo
too few and far in between
Even your scent
dances relentlessly
on my pillow
and there’s no promise
of one last
anything

Without the excitement
of waves
calm and crashing
or romantic winds
caressing me
as I fall…
I want it all
even more

Close enough
to taste
but not mine enough
to touch
and all at the expense
of certainty

Free will
Has given a permission
that rivals fate
and smirks
unjustly
in the eye of destiny…

All I have to do
is remain
motionless
to find joy in
partial numbness
or let go
of what I cannot have
entirely

November Came...

2009-11-30T20:52:00.000-08:00

and went
with 30 suns
and 30 moons
Moments crept by
but were gone
too soon

Each night fell
upon her shoulders
carelessly
forcing the sun to set
and each day roared
through her pores
without hints of regret

Bold and faded
contrasts…
her colorful ego was delicate like leaves
She chose to be the dying beauty
with temporary attachment to the trees

Her silence was like crisp winds
and her mood interchangeable
like warm kisses through gray clouds…
only to pass before comfort arrived
She’s extraordinarily humble
and disgustingly proud

Nearing the end of her cycling whisper
November recounted her 30 suns
but cried because they had gone too soon
then she took her last breath
without prediction
or retelling of preceding months…
and gracefully faded away with the last of her 30 moons

Her 2009 Time Capsule...

2009-10-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

was filled with ones and zeros
overflowing with acronyms
and action-less expressions
laughing out loud
without sound
rolling on the floor
without movement
and talking to you later
without doing so
Her capsule was filled
with technological socialization
friendships ended
at the touch of a button
and collected like figurines…
never removed from packaging
All that’s known
is a mood for the day
with nothing to say
in person
Phones in palms
selecting which parts of
their lives to comment on
without having to be a part of ones journey
Looking past the binary codes
and acronyms
she sorted through collected associates
and friends
not yet deleted
and dove whole heartedly
into the capsule…
dictionary in hand
so that the future would know
humans existed
with a vocabulary

Have I Felt This Before...

2009-10-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

Deja vu that lingers too long
I'm weak...
I'm strong...
I have to move on?
Self assessing
through love like interaction
unlike love
as defined by me?
Was it defined by you
and them?
Did I repeat myself?
Recycled emotion
with regurgitated description?
It felt good...
then it hurt...
and now I'm brand new?
New in the form of replication?
Love in minuscule upgrade...
101, 101.1, 101.2?
Do I need a tongue that is foreign...
eyes not yet open...
a heart whole and empty?
Reset me?
Did I say this already?
Purge these words
and mean them then
as I will later?
Go with the flow...
I'm open...
I'm closed?
Has my heart gone green?
These thoughts and feelings
just cycle and recycle...
Is love lacking luster?
I'm flustered
and back again

Love Discarded...

2009-10-20T18:11:00.001-07:00

like it was weightless
but your action weighs heavy
in light of yourself
shady grey overcasts
your dangerous beauty
and truth emerges
summoned by deceit
complete abandonment
but not all is lost
love stalks me
shamelessly

Come Within Reach...

2009-10-19T15:54:00.000-07:00

so my whispers can be received
by the small of your back
allowing my secrets to hover
with sweet intention
in that space between
your pulse and my lips
raising each delicate hair
with wisps of curiosity
and holding your breath
as each nodule of your spine
begs for my attention
~exhale~
and I will breathe into you
through the nape of your neck
sending each vibration
deeper than touch
and triggering all other sensations
off cue
come within reach
so I can confide in you
through silence
never having to explain
or answer any question
your body understands
my reason
is none other
in this moment
than you

I Am...

2009-08-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

If only it were so simple…
Hues of color without
segregation
Streaming lines
without need of connection
Directionless
with destination
I am.
If only you could see…
beyond fabricated teachings
Complication is beautiful
when left to shine in its
own light
or darkness
Question, rather
than cackle in assumption
I am.
Without choice…
it’s just so
and amazing when
left to bloom without
boundaries
To roam among walls
that are not confined
to sameness
and still able to recognize
unspoken oneness
I am.
And the soul is more defining
than what you see…
more transparent than preference
Energy forced to be controlled
is stiffening
Selecting what to recognize
enables ignorance
Perpetual separation
against the grain
We are.

I Promised You Forever...

2009-08-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

to love you beyond always
to be by your side for eternity
to be the shoulder that catches each of your tears
to be the laughter that compliments your humor
to share in your silence when words are not the answer
to accept and appreciate our differences
to be the calm when your heart is anxious
and to understand when others do not
and now I realize
I cannot promise you tomorrow
because it’s a promise that I am not
in power to even grant for myself
I will not give you false hope
of possible joy between us
lasting beyond today
because I cannot control your actions...
only mine
and my reactions to you
will not be planned before their time
I do not know
if my heart will carry the weight
of our future
or not
the only thing I can say...
with all honesty
is that I love you today
and this moment is ours

Here Are Some Words...

2009-07-24T16:31:00.000-07:00

(I seem to have misplaced the others)
and these will have to do...
do for me in ways
that you cannot
Embrace me in their rhythms and intention
without mention
of how it could have been done differently
These words are few, but powerful...
rebuilding my hearts vocabulary...
leaving hints of you in verse
but never direct mention of
because you are incomplete...
without meaning
Meaning these words found me
despite your desperation
to silence me
(not a chance)
I dance circles around
the debris that has fallen from your ego...
words trying to find themselves
after being tarnished by your recklessness
My words...
reclaiming me...
just as I have
And now that I've used them...
take what you will...
there's more where I come from...
simplicity is a beacon
on my tongue
and becomes blinding emotion
once it lands into the universe
Do you feel it?
That heave in your hollow chest...
and dilation of those empty, black orbs
suggest you did
And it's only sending the words back to me...
full force
Of course it would...
they were never yours
to begin with

Undoubtedly, There is More Than…

2009-06-15T20:11:00.000-07:00

one way to love you
More than one way to kiss you
There has to be
because I feel you beyond
your touch
and I see you beyond your words
I listen for your whisper
when you are not in my presence
Your essence
lingers in my daydreams
with flashbacks and flash-forwards
Undoubtedly
I love you in more ways than one
and
without a title
because I cannot simplify my feeling
into the small realm of definition
defined by another
No other
will ever share this space that I’ve made my own
and glow with me
as you do
complimenting all that makes me good
and holding the mirror steady for me
as I try my best to become better
I love you in this moment
for that
and my reasoning may transition in the next
filling my heart with indispensable treasures
no measure or guidelines
for how to love you

Rainbows and Razor Blades...

2009-06-06T22:28:00.000-07:00

love me knots unraveling
twists and turns
and
sexless rug burns
my heart is confused and heavy
but still beating
(new rhythm)
Something is off balance in my universe
(X and Y)
and
my strength makes me weak
pains to speak
partial honesty isn't
and
this is why lines lie stagnant
in sands of ego

I Am Blank...

2009-05-18T18:43:00.000-07:00

stuck in a warped feeling of none
at ease with the in's and out's
without passion
It's dry and I'm thirsty
taunted by the wasted moisture
dripping on the outside of my glass
I'm blank
listening to reoccurring echos of static
begging love to provoke me
for hurt to hold me
long enough to feel...
something
Instead, I'm looking for myself on old pages
words that became my emotions
and escaped through my pen
never to be felt so deeply again
I'm blank

It Haunts You...

2009-05-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

the way I use to
look at you
the nights when I would
scream for you
breathing softly on that spot while you
caressed me
and now you linger in thought
begging for a clear picture
of what once was...
we were
and it haunts you
the way I would smile
when you walked through the door
sun, moon and stars
words of passion would slip through my hands
when I reached for you
butterflies and coy glances
does it hurt you now
to close your eyes
and be surrounded in memory
haunted by me
time fades in fractions
but today you still feel
each curve of my body
the comfort of my voice
my words
my lips
my kiss
and it haunts you

I'm Kind Of...

2009-05-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

sad
and sort of
happy
teetering between
there and limbo
I'm almost
in love
and not quite
in like
but possibly
stuck
I'm uncertain
of what I want
and perhaps
I already have it
most likely
I'm not sure
maybe
I'll find the answers
I could be
asking the wrong questions
but probably not
absolutely undecided

Insert your own:
I'm kind of...and sort of...teetering between there and limbo...I'm almost...and not quite...but possibly stuck...I'm uncertain...and perhaps...most likely...maybe...I could be...but probably not

This Moment Feels So Good…

2009-04-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

that I want to make it tangible
I want to hold on to this feeling
even after this moment has passed
I do not wish to think back
with only the gesture of a memory induced smile
I want to literally feel the energy then
as I can feel it now
No matter what the future holds for us
I want the option to go into my box of tangible things
Pushing aside the love letters and photographs
I want to retrieve this emotion...
a feeling I know will never be duplicated
could never be replicated
and is too complicated for time to capsule
I need this moment to be tangible
because I know forever is not

All It Took Was a Simple Smile...

2009-04-25T17:03:00.000-07:00

and my demeanor changed
I realized their intention was different than I perceived
as true intent stretched beautifully across their face

I went with it...
I fell captive to the simplicity of their smile
and smiled back

All it took was three simple words
then my wall came tumbling down
and I realized their feeling matched my own
as I said it back without hesitation

I was going with it...
I was eager to believe the simplicity of their words
and exposed my heart to their hands

Perhaps I should have said "handle with care"
because they did not

And all it took was a simple tear
to carry the weight of my hurt
as I caved back into memory of that simple smile
and those simple words

She Reached For Me...

2009-04-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

off the page
begging me to hear her story
and to let the tears fall as they may

I gave her my all...
line for line
listening to her heartache
scrambling to read in between
over and under
each word

Her story pulled me in so deep
that I became a character...
a fixture in the background
without a voice
because she just wanted me to feel
the truth of her matter

Page after page
I felt more transformation...
I became her

Her words found a home
deep in my bones
and thoughts raced through my mind
in her voice
Her story became my emotion...
I felt it with her

I read her
line for line
until we closed our eyes
simultaneously
and I promised to never let her go

I will never let her go...
Poetry N. Prose

Happy Poetry Month!!!

Inevitably, the Answer is Always...

2009-04-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

Time
although that holds no relevance in this moment
Right now
I do not care to hear that it will heal these wounds
or that I will feel better in...
Don't even say it
Why can't this one thing...
the healer of all things
act in a fashion of its own...
Timely
It comes too late when needed
and never lasts when wanted
Am I supposed to chase you
and beg for your comfort
Please...
give me time
Let me use you
as I render appropriate
And yes
I understand you are trying to teach me
making me linger in your abundance...
to reflect on the cause of my circumstance
but can we negotiate on your pace?
In this moment
I wish to answer for myself.

I Began to Love...

2009-03-23T18:40:00.000-07:00

in a state of chaos
flooded by emotion and
jeweled in complexity
Love is a puzzle of misshapen pieces
and I am far from an architect
Nevertheless...
I continued to love
in an unhealthy solitude
muting sounds and patterns that lacked her allure
All I wanted to hear was
Love's beautiful voice
but it was deafening
and I could not make sense of her vibrations
rapid and slow
high and low
without distinct transitions
and unfortunately I did not possess the ability to conduct
Even still...
I am in love
sorting through the past
examining today
(tomorrow is ripe...I can taste her)
I revolve her name in and out of me
21 times a day
allowing her to run through me with obnoxious intent
I am not a masochist
I am hoping to find clear and open spaces
for Love to rest her reckless soul

I Had the Audacity...

2009-03-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

to leave my bullshit at the door
and to love you without repetition of my past
I can't do anything else but laugh
at my nerve
knowing it could not have been done any other way

My pride transformed in a raging whisper
I am not ashamed to reveal my affection
Echos of yesterday are merely a reflection
of who I will never be again...
I am proud to love you

I do love you
and more than tears
I have shed years
of conditioning that I do not regret
I stand here now with reason

I made the decision to feel
outside of my mind
embracing the anchors of strength aligned down my spine
holding me in the right place...
finally

Do Not Tell Me Who to Be...

2009-03-05T17:14:00.000-08:00

for you
Do not ask me how to feel
to accommodate your emotion
Do not try to change who I am
to fit your description
Do not ask me to be like you
in the name of love
Do not try to alter my perception
to have to agree with your reality
Do not hold my hand
and refuse to let go
Do not categorize me
to satisfy your expectation
Do not love me
if you cannot

I Thank You For These Words...

2009-03-02T18:52:00.001-08:00

they will be the last in thought of you.

I am still shocked...
stinging from the welts reality has left...
each tear salted by ignorance
burning a sweet lullaby through my veins

So foolish of me to take in your words...
to breathe in thoughts I imagined as truth
I did believe you...I felt you
I swore you felt me too
but I now realize it was under false pretense

Did revenge motivate the beauty spewed from your filthy tongue?
Were you hoping I'd play the position of pawn as you had before?
That's where we differ...
you and I

Reality smacked me and I did not raise my hand...
I respect her
I would never fight her back in an attempt to play out my desire...
No...I could never be like you in that regard

I am taking my last breath with you
and my heart will not be resuscitated by your words...
it will never ache for you again as it did just a moment ago

I thank you for these words...
they are the last in thought of you.

Since Situations Come Full Circle...

2009-03-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

I had to handle my first degree with care
considering the impact I would make once I got to 360

As tempting as it was to proceed without caution...
I knew each action would follow until the closure of my sphere
There was no option to retract...
do-over...
or ability to change its form
Inevitably, I had to lay my own circular path...
with each degree cemented behind me

Involuntarily
thoughts of being reckless consumed me
My selfishness encouraged me to manipulate 90 degrees of reality

75% of the right thing had to overshadow 25% wrong...
No?

No...
one degree could not dilute the next...
each were equal in weight
and would equally impact me as a whole

I Stood In My Way Until...

2009-02-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

I asked my heart to wait patiently in the corner...
and she defied me

Her intention was good, but I needed to settle some things in my mind
without her influence

She wanted to plead her case for my benefit...
(I knew better)
but circumstance was larger than both of us

The weight I was carrying was far too heavy for her
and I took that into consideration...
considering the damage that could have been done if she did not go back into her corner

She didn't realize I was fighting for both of us
and she grew weary...
tired of being made to wait in silence
while thought took precedence

I hear her even when I pretend not to

The Masks of Perception...

2009-02-24T17:14:00.000-08:00

can create a false reality if you master the alignment of perception and intent.

Well put together...
outwardly
The thought put into her appearance preceded her action
Her presence spoke eloquently before she opened her mouth...
all eyes in the room were reading her...
perceiving her...
as everything but the mess she actually was

Articulate...
his arrangement of words were mesmerizing
The simplicity he spoke of was pretending to be complex...
he made it so
Entangling bloated description with uncommonly used words...
and exaggerated gestures...
All ears in the room were respectively attentive...
perceiving him...
as everything but the insecure man he actually was

Charming...
her ways were naturally inviting
She smiled and the eyes of others lit the room
With care, she spread her attention equally among friends and strangers...
individualizing the warmth she gave...
as she had taken note of each person in a glance
All hearts became magnetic and drawn to her core...
perceiving her...
as everything but the shy girl she actually was

The masks of perception can create a false reality if you do not master the alignment of perception and intent.

Well put together...
outwardly
But the thought put into her appearance was overshadowed by her insecurity
Her eyes trembled as she walked awkwardly across the floor
All eyes in the room were reading her...
perceiving her...
as the mess she actually was

Articulate...
his arrangement of words were mesmerizing...
only because listeners were trying to decipher what was being said
He made it so
Entangling bloated description with uncommonly used words...
and exaggerated gestures
All ears in the room were engaged in inner thought...
wondering if his words were being used as a shield...
perceiving him...
as the insecure man he actually was

Charming...
her ways were naturally inviting...
although her eyes never engaged beyond the surface
With care, she spread her attention equally among friends and strangers...
moving fast and never having to actually reveal her feeling
All hearts became magnetic and drawn to her core...
empathizing with her inability to just be...
perceiving her...
as the shy girl she actually was

Indulge! Happy Fat Tuesday!

Distracted by...

2009-02-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

the beautiful things that command my attention over beauty less obvious.

Layering...

I get so caught up in one of many layers, that when I finally move on and take it in as a whole, it's confusing.

It's no longer what I desired because there is more than the beauty I was distracted by.

I'm so focused on what I find most appealing that I put all other senses on pause...in the moment.

I am in love with the sound of your voice on the phone, which may be less obvious face to face because I'm distracted by your eyes, gestures and touch.

I am infatuated with the arrangement of music, that hard hitting bass line...so much so that I barely noticed the lyrics.

When I finally saw past the gestures and the sound of your voice, I heard your thoughts. Your narcissistic, shallow thoughts.

When I zoned out, the bass line became dull and I heard the lyrics. The raunchy arrangement of words that spit on the significance of the music.

Ignorance is interchangeable with distraction...
and it can be bliss.

I got beside myself...I almost forgot my own layers. The less than beautiful layers that are not far from the surface.

I came back...focused.

I heard the beauty in your voice, noticed the charm dancing through your gestures and came to understand you are proud of who you are.

I listened again and felt the expression in the beats, I moved with the bass line and understood that the artist has the same freedom of expression as I.

Daily Ingestion and Digestion...

2009-02-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

We take in so much, everyday!

Mentally ingesting...
What we see, hear, feel...even unconsciously...
but how do we rid ourselves of the waste?

On top of this, what if you are one of many (such as myself) conditioned to ingest, but never really digest...
don't cry...
pick yourself up by the bootstraps...
suck it up...
there are no problems, only solutions

Ok...sounds good. And in many cases, these mantras have gotten me through tough times.

On the other hand...
I learned to build walls. Tricky walls. Walls that did not protect me from the incoming, but blocked any visible emotion.

I gave the perception of being numb, but I felt...
emotion stacking on top of emotion; trickling over emotion...
tears that never surfaced.

I was full, but didn't know how to rid myself of all that mental waste.

Anger. All of that pent-up emotion manifested itself through anger.

Slightly helpful, in that I released some kind of feeling, but I never dealt with the core issues rotting in my soul.

Then, I thought writing would be another healthy release. I could be candid without judgement, or exposure. Yes...this was true until my privacy was invaded.

Now what...
back to anger.

I even tried to release emotion through yoga, belly dance, Starbucks...

And then finally, I felt...out loud.

I began digesting AND ridding myself of waste...
process of thought...
tears...
vocal honesty...
writing...
laughter...

Interesting that we have to figure this out on our own.

I mean, we eat...literally...and our bodies do the rest.

We ingest, mentally, and then...

I Tucked Consequence Away In My Pocket...

2009-02-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

and waited.

Time passed and consequence was forgotten.

More time passed and I was looking for change.

I stuck my hand deep, into that same pocket...

and I found the change I was looking for...

nestled with the consequence I had tucked away.

I had to do something.

I held my change in one hand...

and sorted through each piece to make sense of it.

I then took my consequence outside...

found an empty space in my yard

and buried it.

The next day I woke with new intention...

I went out to my yard and I planned to dig up my consequence...

but I was too late.

The patch of green had already become a wilted brown...

and my yard became tainted beyond the small action I took.

The Grass Is Greener...

2009-02-17T17:48:00.000-08:00

at least in patches.

I guess it comes down to which patches of green are essential to each individual. Some lawns are vain, some are lush with creativity and some have green that is visibly fading because the caretaker was not taking care of home.

I have an array of green, but I tend to pour my heart into vibrant patches, rather than weeding where necessary and reviving my less than green areas (I'm working on it).

Ahhh...but where I lack in green, another may be as emerald as the Wizard's dwellings (LOL, yes I went there...dork).

I'm intrigued...initially.

In time their green seems to fade, the difference becomes too familiar.

Then the tendency to peek into another yard...even by accident, or curiousity...

the cycle continues UNTIL a decision is made -

Which patches of green are essential to the individual? Core patches? Exterior patches?

Yes, the grass may be greener, in patches, so be sure to take inventory of the whole yard!

Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave...

2009-02-15T13:33:00.000-08:00

Or do we?

Can we really be held accountable for uncontrollable thoughts, feelings and emotions? What I have come to believe is that I can only hold myself responsible for the actions that I choose to, or not to, take.

Far too many times I have been riddled with the guilt of my thoughts, but why? I am human...we are human...and what greater gift do we possess than thought? I cannot stress enough that it is the actions we take, or not.

An amazing person once had a discussion with me about possibility and chance; evolving into the possibility of chance. Simply amazing, but there would be no way to place ourselves at the starting point of possibility, without the simple step of thought.

Decisions, decisions...

My webs of thought vary and allow me to be honest with myself. My actions do not always allow that same luxury. Thoughts can remain private, while actions speak in volumes; forcing us into responsibility.

I am accountable for what I say and do, but my thoughts are merely webs within...and I'm tangled.

Love Brand New

2009-02-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

Older Love feels good because it can be settled, comforting and familiar. Although these are important factors, there is still something missing. The feeling of Love, Brand New.

When Love is new, there is no compromise...it just is. You just love and it simply feels good. When does Love take a turn? When does it transition from brand new, into settled? How can you get brand new back, without changing Lovers?

Girlfriends & Sista-friends

2009-02-03T22:46:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was flipping the through the mental chapters of my life and paused to relive the best of times with my girls! The relationships, sex talks, laughter and tears...nothing can compare. Our secrets and unspoken promises...the rules we all broke at some point and the regret that we could not undo what we had done. Through the removing of knives from each others backs - to having each others backs. Damn, I love my girls.

Truth of the Matter...

2009-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

When is it ok to be less than honest?

If it's an issue of truth vs. sparing someones feelings, is it ok to bend the truth?

Lying by omission...is this less offensive?

Is honesty always the best policy?

Do you always want the truth? Can you handle it?

How personal is your personal growth?

2009-01-21T14:40:00.000-08:00

Are your goals and personal expectations based on your dreams, or based on what you know will please and/or impress others?

I have been a victim of, and have watched others consume themselves with trying to obtain goals that do not reflect who they/we are as individuals. Is this because of circumstance and responsibility, or inability to be true to thy self?

Few are fortunate to live life exactly as they would like; including career, family, home, etc. If you could live exaclty as you wish, what would differ from how your life is today? Is it possible to live that life?

Where did the love go?

2009-01-18T12:45:00.000-08:00

In the beginning, love is exciting and we can't get enough of our new interest. Then, in time, love has the tendency to change form. How do we determine whether or not our love will grow, or become a totally new emotion?